Its strange how quickly a person can become something they were not in just a few short weeks. Although Im cheering on my friends who are spending this summer partying and enjoying themselves, I am not getting to have a break. I wont take a break. Life goes by too quickly. Next week is August 1st and Im not even ready for that yet. lol. I work a job at the Library that pays 6.50 an hour. I work 9 hours a week usually. My mom, well, we're not even going to go there - lets just say money is extremely tight and there isnt excess of anything around here anymore. Ive learned this year to take trials and runs bravely, they cant break you unless you let it. Ive learned that there are things to fear in this world worse than water, heights and spiders - time. It ticks by quietly, you dont even notice it gone until its too late. Strange how that works. Albert Einstien said it was all part of his relativity laws..it only seems to sneak by because of your point of view. Like his trains - if you are on one train, the other appears to be moving, and you do not. Outside this train, a person believes that a flash light turned on at precisely the same moment will, in turn, look like it has been turned on a split second slower on the train heading away. Anyhow, its kinda like that. We're the spectators and time is coming towards us. Scary.

I spend my nights with movies (we cant afford cable or a dish anymore..), reading a good book, surfing the web (avoiding MSN, though. Dont get me wrong, Im happy for everyone, however I really dont care who is dating who and who is sleeping with who. Seems too bubblegumish to be entertaining.) and reading books on math subjects like Calculus (with no lee way I might add). I want next year to be a stunning year on my record and if I have to waste my entire summer fun on studying, I will. I can have fun next summer!

Lately, Ive had a difference of influence in my life. There are perhaps only two people in my life at the moment who believe in me yet, its more than Ive had all my life. Hearing the words "You can do it, people like you get places." Gives you the warm and fuzzies..and also the will to continue. The last few months Ive been wondering why I was working so hard. I was on the honor role for an amazing average (even with my crummy math mark), got an alright average (I was 4 point from the 80 I wanted but..I suppose thats alright..) and my personal life has just been the shits since..well, August of last year. Hearing from other people that they believe in me is probably the greatest gift I could have ever been given. These are people who are there for me through thick and thin, who ask me how everything is, give me advice on how to get scholarisips, better grades, etc and are constantly making sure Im happy, healthy and my hopes are high. The only thing that is wrong with this picture is that its too dream like. Most of my life has been spent picking myself back up and having a pride that wont let me admit defeat. No one has taken time for me - ever. So whats in it for them? The one person told me that I shouldnt feel bad about taking up their time when I apologized, the told me that it was satisfaction of knowing that they returned a favor that once was instilled upon them. The other was a girl whom was a lot like me. Shes rough around the edges but she has a good heart and cares about the good of others. Shes told me that she had gone through a lot when she was younger and that she had wished someone had done the things she does for me. Yet, it still feels awkward, unnatural to have someone be nice to you without wanting something in return. Einstien definetly didnt have a theory on that. Time for Debbie to start researching human psychology and behavioral pattrens alittle more when she has time.

Anyhow, the funny thing is that Im not unhappy. Im not necessarily happy either - but Im content. Things are good (for me) right now and they arent showing any chances of failing until I get back to school. I have people here for me, tugging me along on the big of rope they have to keep me from drowning. Even a refusal to hire me from my last hope for a decent job isnt putting me down too much. Its exciting to see how much Ive changed. Im ten times stronger than I was just a few months ago and more focused than ever. Its just too bad Im not mathematically minded, it would make my problems so much easier.

Thanks for everyone for reading my entries these last couple of months and enduring them. You are all a bunch of angels if you havent backstabbed me over it. Its rare to find poeple such as yourselves.